Thursday, January 9, 2014

Expectations

Throughout my pregnancy, I had a lot of expectations.  I really tried not to have high expectations of what pregnancy entails because so many of my friends and articles I read told me to expect the unexpected.  I guess it is human nature to have a picture in your head somewhat though, so it was only natural.  God really tested my trust in him throughout this pregnancy starting at about 8 weeks when I started bleeding.  I didn't bleed a huge amount, but I had clots, which is usually a really bad sign.  Praise the Lord, the baby was okay!  We never really knew where the bleed  came from, but chalked it up to a subchorionic hemorrhage because it definitely didn't come from the baby.  At that time, the hospital told me that I had a bicornuate uterus and perhaps the bleed was caused by that.  However, it was really difficult to determine if I actually had one with a baby in there (even though he was small) because it distorted the shape of my uterus.  I still don't know it I have that condition and won't until after I get a test this summer most likely.  I had a lot of fear something would go wrong with our baby after that.  I would constantly ask my husband for reassurance that the baby would be fine and that he was healthy.  By about 17-18 weeks, I started to chill out.  I could start to feel his movements, which told me he was in there and that was such a relief for me.  I was pretty much anxiety free until we had our scare with his growth around 23 weeks.  I went to my perinatologist for a follow-up appointment to look at his heart (back story on that in my 33 week post) and we found out his femurs were measuring behind, a few measurements had dropped below the 10% percentile, and we already knew he had a hot spot on his heart.  I think I was more scared than my doctor, but he told me I could have a Harmony test to know for sure if the risk of his having Downs was high or not.  It was a simple blood test, and I wanted to know no matter what the outcome.  It didn't matter in our love for our child, but I just had to know and I wanted to be able to set up all the early interventions and best doctors for him that I could if that was what he needed.  Thank the Lord that his risk came back extremely low (1 in 10,000) for him having Downs.  Although, you can't know with 100% certainty if any baby has a condition like that until they are here, we felt confident that the femurs were just a fluke.  I also want to say that no matter if our child had a chromosomal abnormality or not, we would love him just the same.  It wouldn't have made him broken!  However, no parent expects or sets out to have a child with a disability or special condition and it is a challenge to wrap your head around when you are presented with that possibility.  I surely felt after all that, my pregnancy would be easy!  Symptom wise, I was doing great!  I hadn't gained much weight, I felt the baby move a lot, and I felt wonderful being pregnant in general!  I was (and am) so happy to have this little life in me and get to spend all my moments with him.  Things went wonderfully after that for a while.  I didn't have any issues with baby and his growth jumped back up to normal (minus the femurs which are just short! I think our baby boy will have a short inseam!).  Things were wonderful and we were getting all ready for his arrival.  I researched the best of all the baby things for him because I wanted him to have the best items.  I decorated and sewed items for the room so that he would have the prettiest nursery I could give him.  We scheduled maternity pictures and I had my baby shower dates set.  Pregnancy was really going great!  Then 33 weeks came and I found out we were having a preemie little boy due to low amniotic fluid.  I was and am over the moon to meet my little man early or not, but it is a shock.  It wasn't what I expected!

What I expected and what I was planning to have at least 4-5 more weeks to get ready for him, but probably longer because first time moms usually go late from what I had heard.  I was planning to go to my baby showers.  I was planning to get photos made.  I was planning to go out to eat on a fancy date with my husband one last time.  I was planning to finish the nursery, launder his clothes in Dreft, and get everything just so.  I had closets to clean out and nesting chores to finish.  For goodness sake, my Christmas was down, but had yet to get put back in the attic because I was trying not to I just bought a pretty dress from Seraphine maternity like Kate Middleton to wear to my baby shower, and I still was excited to get some wear out of my maternity dresses and clothes.  I was still planning to go out in public and be that "cute pregnant lady" that gets the oohs and awhs from strangers and gets asked "when are you due" and "what are you having" I was still enjoying feeling my baby move inside and watching my belly grow.  I was NOT expecting that all this was going to be over in a second's notice.  It seems really silly that I am upset that these things are not happening anymore.  Shouldn't the fact that I am having my baby and getting to meet him overshadow the fact that I am sad to give up pregnancy?  Yes, and no...I think this is a normal process when something is taken from you really quickly and you have to adjust your expectations.  I really loved pregnancy despite some of it's bad moments and I wasn't ready to be done.  I am thankful that medical miracles are commonplace now a days and that my baby is coming because that is best for him, but I have to be honest and say I have some sort of grief about not getting to finish out my pregnancy.  I have a lot of friends that are currently pregnant and I have been keeping up with them on Facebook.  I would be lying if I didn't say that I was a tiny bit jealous that they have belly pictures for weeks 34-40.  I KNOW this is silly, but I am human and these are my emotions.  I also had a birth plan.  I really didn't have huge hopes of something crazy, but I wanted a vaginal delivery.  It makes me sad that I don't get to have that and that because of this, I most likely never will.  At the end of the day, the health of my baby is the most important...but it's one of those things that you have to reconcile in yourself.  I am sorting through these emotions as I get ready for my c-section tomorrow and preparing to meet my baby.  It's going to be a tough and exciting few days for us, so please keep us in your prayers.

1 comment:

  1. I just happened to stumble on your blog from the "next blog" link. I am a mom of three beautiful boys. I rarely comment on blogs, but thought it was important to this time. I thought you need to hear from someone that it is OK to feel sad that you being robbed the end of your pregnancy and all the fun things you had planned to celebrate your lil' ones arrival. When we found out that we were pregnant the second time around with twins, I couldn't tell anyone the news for a MONTH without breaking into tears. Of course we were very fortunate to have them born without any complications, but this was not what my life was supposed to be, this wasn't the plan that I had in my head for the way our little family was going to look. I felt guilty being sad about my twin pregnancy, while two different couples we were friends with struggled with infertility and would have given anything to get two healthy babies at once. I hope you have an uneventful C-section tomorrow and enjoy getting to know your baby!

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